Sample Paragraphs from a Roots and Recipes Essay:
Gingerbread cookies are a wonderful part of my family's Christmas celebrations. The amazing smell of this delicious treat, the spicy aroma of ginger and cinnamon and cloves, always awakens fond memories of holidays past.
The kitchen was my favorite place to be, to watch all the ingredients and the making of those cookies! I eventually progressed from just watching, to baking the gingerbread. Even though it takes much time and effort, it is something I enjoy because of the satisfaction of turning out a perfect batch.
As children we looked forward to the baking of those special delights but even more to decorating the houses we would make with the gingerbread. It was so much fun to place the different kinds of candy onto our houses. All the cousins and aunties and uncles and grandma and grandpa would get together after dinner on Christmas Eve to decorate their houses. There was much laughter as people tried to out do each other in their creations!
Now, the gingerbread making has been taken over by the younger generation, and the decorating is shared with boyfriends and girlfriends and newlyweds! It is truly a family tradition.
Commentary Process
You will discuss and post as a team. Be sure to include each member's name so that all can get credit.
- Start by reviewing the rubric, so that you know what is expected in this essay.
- Begin your commentary with the positive elements of the piece, but be specific!There is nothing worse, or more insincere than a comment like "I loved your essay!" Instead, you can comment on
- Specific details that helped you visualize what was happening, good sensory detail, for example.
- Details that brought out the writer's voice, that gave authenticity to the experience. For example, IF I had shared the detail about my nephew Jesse, who loved to populate his gingerbread houses with soldiers and dismembered snowmen, THAT would have been strong voice.
- Good organization: you could see the time sequence or spatial sequence clearly.
- Then, get into ideas for improvement. Here, it is most helpful if you can express your comments as questions. Thus, instead of saying, "You need more specific detail" you can ask the question, "Can you describe the kitchen utensils used to make these cookies?"
- Again, go back to the rubric for your comments. DO NOT JUST REPEAT STUFF FROM THE RUBRIC. Instead, ask questions that will help guide the writer to attain those standards.
Good luck :) I will comment on and assess all of your team critiques so that you will have a better idea of how to do this on your own.
9 comments:
Andrew Pascua, Ranyl Panarigan, Charlynn Adversalo, Tyler Ambrocio
This essay was amazing because of the following reasons: One reason this essay was good is because they made the gingerbread making sound fun and exciting to do.
Another reason why this was an amazing story is because they made the gingerbreadman sound very tasty.
Kaori Murakawa, Stephanie Quiocho, Dylan Domingo, and Hannah Maestro
First of all, don't forget about your punctuations. Use commas instead of "ands," like "the cousins and aunties and uncles and grandma and grandpa," and at times, you misused them, which was, "from just watching, to baking the gingerbread." Do not change subjects too quickly. Also, be careful with your verbs. It would be better if you can place more memories of your holidays as well. Don't forget to indent your paragraphs! Other than that, we liked your sensory details. Just fix these problems, and you'll be good to go!
Eddie Joaquin
Brianna Martin
Awebree Roache
Isaiah Luczak
Period5
We liked the descriptive words it used to capture the readers attention. We also liked how the writer put detail into describe the event, it made us feel like we were there. Although it was good, the writer didn't mention anything about his or her culture. How is gingerbread related to your culture? How did ginger bread making come into your family's tradition? If he or she wrote more about their culture it would make the paper more effective at bringing us into the story. We think he or she should've organized the paper differently. Some ideas repeated and felt out of place. The writer also didn't use any primary and secondary sources.
Blayde, Jessica, Amber, Nastassja
We all think that this format is organized and flows well. The details like,"The amazing smell of this delicious treat, the spicy aroma of ginger and cinnamon and cloves, always awakens fond memories of holidays past," really stood out of the story, and were describe very well. Some areas were lacking information. For example, "I eventually progressed from just watching, to baking the gingerbread," could have held more information about the process. Overall it was a very well written essay.
Overall the story was pretty good. Although they should've used more comma's instead of saying "...cousins and aunties, and uncles...". Also, they could've been more organized in their writing. Lastly, he could've been a little more descriptive in his writing explaining what he did. For example, "rolling out the door" and "adding ingredients." In conclusion, their writing was pretty good but had minor errors.
~group 7~
Luke, Christine, Mimi, Christian
Overall, the intro was great. The vocabulary is amazing as there were various types of words; making the gingerbread sound descriptive so you could visualize it.
Reading into the end of the essay, the transitions were choppy and the word choice was sloppy. Altogether, the story itself was great because of the descriptive vocabulary, but still needs work on their word choice and transitions toward the end.
Group 5: Sage Battad, Tiffany Agustin, Kainoa Mattos-Felicilda, Florencio Sipalay
Tee Goda. Jeanine Guasch, Tyler Shimogawa, Chelsea Matanguihan
The relation of joy of the ginger bread making process and decorating with their family was a pleasant thing to read. The vocabulary was slightly above average and really gave you an idea of what their family's time together is like. We think that the out doing another is something that all families can get behind.
The vocabulary could've been more descriptive and specifically could've talked more about the family and individuals. Or alternatively dialogue could have taken place in the story rather than a just a first person POV.
Imagery really would've made this story better.
Specifying which family members did well or poorly in the story woudl've be nice.
1. "Through the open door came the thuds and occasional clangs of a horse-shoe game, and now and then the sound of voices raised in approval and derision." (page 38)
Derision: To make fun of someone/something to cause laughter.
There was a lot of derision at the talent show and many people were upset because of it.
2. "She was breathless with indignation." (psge 78)
Indignation: A strong uncomfortable feeling towards something that is offensive or causes a lot of anger.
A lot of the people during the talent show were filled with indignation towards the speakers' jokes.
-Amber Dye and Christine Cadiz
i like this post and this post is very benifitial for me
essay
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